I am a doctor from India.i got married right after I passed med school and came to USA along with my husband who is a software engineer.
I tried hard to study for the USMLE exams.i could not tolerate the stress of managing everything; studying for the exams, married life, domestic responsibilities, family's issues,health, finances etc.
I didnot have any support at home from my husband.for him it was always his job,his career,his family. He was always travelling.i felt alone,stressed and lonely.
He & his family would abuse me a lot.they frequently mock me about my parents, ask for more & more dowry,gifts, demand money to provide for my education etc
I went into depression.I had to start antidepressant and anti anxiety medication.
At one point I gave up and told my husband that I can't take the stress.i don't mind getting into research or some different career.also I wanted to have a baby. He didn't agree to support me for either.he insisted that I do finish the exams because it was his prestige issue.
I could not tolerate the emotional & verbal abuse, the mind games,the lies, unwanted & unnecessary,too much interference of his family in our personal issues.I felt stuck.
I just wanted to get out of that rut.
Things escalated,fights ensued, after 5 and half yrs of married life, we divorced.
I have to start fresh. I am relieved that I am out of that nasty marriage, but am also sad,depressed that so much of time was wasted.i am not left with anything.
I disappointed myself and my parents. they had so much expectations on me.i feel sad that I couldn't/not able to do anything to my parents who are getting old by the day.
I feel sad looking at others who are so successful in their life; happily married with babies, career etc.that is/was my dream. I feel like a failure now.
I am 32.i graduated from one of the top Medical colleges in India.I am a very good student. I don't know, I wonder where did all that determination,hard work, knowledge vanish??
I still want to do the USMLEs & get into Residency.Now I feel fresh, stress free, little confident. Not entirely up to the best of my abilities or capabilities but I feel I can do it.
But I am not exactly & entirely sure.
I am an old graduate.I have to start everything from scratch. It will take more 2-3 years,lot of effort,energy,money to finish the exams. i also have to look for observerships, externships, research etc, to get some good clinical experience.
Also I need fresh visa to start doing something in USA.
I don't whether it is practical, worth it, to try again & finish all the USMLEs.
My parents want me to be in India so that I can start working in a hospital immediately & meanwhile think what I want to do next.
They think that it is such a struggle to get settled in USA at this stage. They think that, atleast if there was any definite hope that I get residency, it is worth trying.
Some friends suggested to try for residency in Australia.
I often feel guilty that I wasted so much of time, I should have done something all those days.
My head is constantly flooded with the abuses of my husband-that I am a failure,I am useless,I can't do anything, I disappointed everybody, I have no bright future, I have no intentions of making it big in life etc etc..
I try so hard to push these negative thoughts away and study.It was/still is hard to focus and concentrate, but I am at a better position now.
I am taking my antidepressants & antianxiety medication,attend counselling every week., work out,meditate etc.
I know I have it in me that I can again study,work hard.May be I can do it.
Somehow I lack the clarity and surety of it.
Sometimes I feel determined to do it, sometimes I feel like giving up.
I feel confused now. I applied for Student vis& awaiting the approval. Also I am searching for jobs in USA, to support me financially.
A friend suggested that there are certain pharmaceutical and healthcare companies that provide cap exempt H1 visa to medical graduates.I am checking out those options as well.
Few other friends suggested that I should atleast try once to finish all the exams and apply for residency.if it doesn't work out, I can try other options.
I am confused.feeling determined but hope less.
I believe in God.I believe in hope and faith.I believe in determination and hardwork.
I know ,I believe that " if one is determined to do something,there is no stoping.even when faced with obstacle, there is always a way." (I have a big poster in my bedroom with these quotations written on it)
I feel lost,confused,left out,lonely.
What should I do?
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